So I now have a 35 mile-per-gallon sexmobile, see. Well, on to the actual topic, now that the car's out of the way. A medieval-themed mall attraction called Medieval Times recently opened its ninth nationwide location at Discover MIlls in Lawrenceville. That's an Atlanta suburb, for those not in the know, and Discover Mills otherwise blows hard. It's not even technically a mall, but a one-story "outlet center" where none of the several dozen normal eateries are staffed with competent lackeys. Likewise, I expected these Times to blow perhaps even harder, but I was sorely let down--in that I don't get to type a scathing Maddox-style review, but instead have to be honest and tell how much I enjoyed it.

 

The architecture isn't really anything convincing, but since nobody goes to the mall to admire decent architecture, I'll move straight to the food. Yes, it's an eatery, and at the same time a kitschy play and jousting tournament. There's not really a choice of food; guests are handed, in order, vegetable soup, garlic bread, roast chicken, spare ribs, some kind of fried potato thing, coffee, and an apple pastry, with intermittent servings of beverages. It's all superb, from what I could taste. Adding to this ownage is the absence of utensils--food is eaten by hand and the soup is sipped from the bowl. This alone is worth the horrifyingly expensive ticket price of $90 per person.

 

I'll skip describing the attempt the poor designers have made at a storyline, but I will say this: expect one unintentionally hilarious sorcerer.

 

The six jousters each "represent" one-sixth of the miniature stadium, and they are marked by different colors or combinations thereof. People who enjoy gratuitous hooting and hollering like I do will get a kick out of rooting for their knight...my dad said I got a bit carried away with the Lil' Jon WHAT! but I didn't care. I don't care that WHAT! is out, either. I'll WHAT! if I want.

 

I never mentioned the animals, did I? Shoot. There's a posse of very well-trained horses and a falcon that flies around, and at our showing, landed at some lucky guests' tables from her own free falcon will. Look for the guy who runs out to shovel the horses' dookie and give him a cheer. I did, but he didn't respond, perhaps thankfully.

 

I was very pleasantly surprised with the whole thing, and went home with a buzz from all that awesome chicken and pork and soup. If not for the fingerfood atmosphere, I would recommend it as a nice spot for a second or third date, if you or your parents are rich. My mom saved up to take us, and I thank her. Just know that you will be on the porcelain throne for quite a duration the next day. Worth it? Totally.